Of matriarchs, grandsons and unconditional love

This post has been in “draft” mode for more than a week now. The photos have been ready for even longer. Suffice to say, I am still at a loss for words.

My Nanay is gone.

From this photo, anyone can see how proud she was of me. That has always been the case…

Nanay is Papa’s mom and the lola I grew up with. I am her third apo, but I’ve always been treated as her eldest since my two older cousins migrated to New Zealand when they were young. That being said, everyone in the family recognizes that I was afforded her most coveted title: the favorite grandchild.

Ironically, the paborito was not at her bedside on her final breath. I was at a friend’s wedding in Tacloban when I got a call that she had left us. My heart broke.

During her wake, I talked to Lola Rosie, her sister, and asked her how Nanay was during her final day. She recounted that time when I gave Nanay a call when I was in Leyte. I remember during that short phone conversation very well. I told Nanay to wait for me to go home and for my pasalubong. I also told her I love her. She barely spoke that time but I heard a happy murmur. Lola Rosie told me that during that time, Nanay smiled and shed a tear at the same time.

Again, my heart broke. Talk about bittersweet.

L: On her birthday last July, I gave her a bouquet of flowers and a cake. That was the resulting smile. R: October, coming home directly from the airport, I gave her my promised pasalubong from Tokyo. Even sans the dentures, the smile was priceless.

I bawled like a baby during the last time her casket was opened. I have never cried that much my entire life. I was so broken. A huge part of me felt tremendous regret for not having been by her side before she left, but I was a bit comforted by the fact that I was able to tell her I love her, one simple act that I wasn’t able to do for Papa.

Looking back now, I only have happy memories of Nanay. For selfish reasons, the fondest of which were of how much pride she had of everything that I accomplished. The greatest testament to that was the fact that she attended ALL of my graduation rites. She was and has always been one of my biggest supporters. Another tradition that that two of us shared was how I always brought her home a keepsake for every destination that I went to. She left behind this cupboard full of these souvenirs. I remember all the day-to-day small things too, from how she made sure she’ll give me a small plate of whatever she cooked for that day, to how I made sure I kissed her goodbye before I leave home for work.

Now I have one less person to bid farewell every morning.

Now I have one less person to cook for me.

Now I have one less person to look forward to bringing pasalubong to.

Now I have one less fan.

Ever since I could remember, she was adamant about her being present at all of my graduation ceremonies. I know for a fact that she was able to do so from my elementary years up to the most recent graduate school one. Unfortunately, these are the only photos that I have left. Damn you Ondoy!

I hope you can read this from wherever you are Nanay. I have been blessed to have lived with you for most of my life, and from you I have learned what unconditional love is all about. For that I can’t thank you enough. I definitely miss you and all of these things but I am at peace that you are now somewhere with no pain and no suffering. Despite your physical absence, I will be happy with the thought that I have gained another angel to watch over me.

I love you Nanay. I promise to continue doing you proud…

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In loving memory of Margarita M. Mandingiado, our Nanay, who passed away December 9, 2012.